The Delusion of Happiness

"No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities."
- Christian Nevel Bovee

"Don't you wish God would give you a little forwarding before he changes things up on you?" she said with a half-hearted laugh as she attempted to sort through the piles of paperwork that had accumulated during her absence. "You should suggest that to him," I replied dryly. If he'd listen to anyone, he'd listen to her. Despite the insurmountable obstacles that lay ahead of her, she'd returned to work as upbeat and positive as ever. "We've done all we can to slow the progression," she said, "It's in God's hands now." I admired her calm, blind faith. I'd always lacked faith.

Though his faith was not in God, he had a similar strength. He had faith in himself, us and the the natural order of things. He never feared illness or death. It would certainly come, though not anytime soon, and when it did it would be managed. Fortunately, he'd never been touched or tainted by tragedy. If he had, his perspective would necessarily have been different.

I, on the other hand, suffered an immobilizing fear of illness and death. Though I often expressed it in a comical way, it was a constant, crushing fear. Disapproving of our Prozac nation, I'd resisted prescriptive assistance and turned instead to vodka and books. They eased the obsessive thoughts and checking that plagued my every waking moment, and helped me through the anxious, sleepless nights. Though he understood and indulged me during the days, I'd suffered the endless nights alone. I'd forced myself to stay awake night after night, allowing only brief naps on the sofa, reasoning that if I didn't go to sleep then tomorrow couldn't be any worse than today... and I'd survived today.

As I listened to her retrieve her voice messages, I decided I'd rather not be forewarned. Despite all evidence to the contrary, because of him, I still believed that one day I might be happy. Why destroy the delusion?